t r a YOU m a | a poem

t to the r to the a to the

Y O U to the m to the a

i silenced my

selves & hid. been

hiding for eleven years now.

sometimes in plain sight, but always

buried deep beneath all kinds of

armor. here's my

fortress: masks &

voices, empty

overflowing

words &

plans &

shame

& closet

grief—unfelt, &

rage—unnoticed.

there are

monsters in my mind / and

they are eating me alive / i

didn't even recognize / the

OVERDRIVE!!! un-

ceasing (just its

normalcy), and

Fear : My

Breathing.

constant

core a-

liena-

tion.

most of all, i

hid from my own

toonearness. too-

muchhadhappened

for me to begin to process

for me to begin to f e e l

just

holding on for dear life, clinging

to all kinds of numbing promise

inability to trust, and

so deprived of tou

ch. deprived of

words as

witness,

of the

possi-

bility to

be been

with, be

with truth

tell them.

Tell Them.

t e l l t h e m.

so i built this cage i now can

not remember not to have lived

— or: have dwelt, resignedly re

sided in. this cage whose bars i

wasn't able to perceive for

so long. for so long

i called them

Me.

~

PS

It's this very special place I am in right now, where I'm still very much caged but seeing the cage now, you know, and seeing ways to – over time – work my way out of it. Or renovate, recycle it.

So, I'm beginning to be aware of patterns that have ruled my life. I still do automatically behave very much traumatisedly, but simultaneously slowly emerge into observance.